again, I say "Next?....."

Dave checked the mail on Thursday and called me to tell me that THE letter from the SUU nursing department was there. He was in the parking lot of the clinic and I was on my way there-I had to stop and get gas.
"Is it a big or small envelope?" I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
"It is small, but it feels thick." He replied. My mind went right to the worst case scenario. I tried to make excuses for the small envelope; maybe they did not send the big package because I have already completed the background check, maybe they will give the packets out at the orientation meeting. I tried to find the positive vibe.
When I got there, he handed the envelope over with a anticipatory grin. I slid my finger under the flap and pulled out the pages. I opened them and scanned the first page. there in the middle of the first paragraph "........you have not been selected for the Spring 2010 BSN program." My throat closed as I tried to put on a brave face. I handed the letter back to Dave, but he knew what it said from the look in my eyes. The next thing I knew, I had my face buried in hes chest, crying and frustrated. What a blow to my ego! Nobody wants this more than I do! All my hard work and sacrifice seemed worthless. What is it that they want me to do? What else do I have to prove? I cried until I left a big wet spot on Dave's shirt.
After I got myself composed, I went into the clinic. But, I was not done crying yet. All my coworkers knew that something was wrong, and I could barely tell them that I did not get in, again. They offered support, and hugs, bless them, but the hugs just made me cry harder. I decided to take the afternoon off. I went for a drive to clear my head.
It was not as easy to find my resolve this time. I cried on and off all afternoon. When I got home, Dave offered some chocolate and another hug. He had bought it to surprise me at work, but I did not tell anyone where I was going. I was feeling a little better, but I knew it was not out of my system yet. I texted my friend Julia (she is currently in the nursing program) to tell her the bad news. She was upset with me, and we complained about the injustice of it all. I needed to be angry this time. I needed to let myself be upset and frustrated and rejected. I will be ready to move on Monday, but this weekend is for letting it all out.
I have a meeting with the admissions secretary on Wednesday, and I am already working on my Fall 2010 application. Now is the time to focus on my grades and keep my 3 A's this semester. I might even be able to pull an A of in stats. I will also find time to volunteer at the local nursing home (I got connections) and get all the help I can with my application essay. I will meet with the head of the program as well, and find out what I need to do to get in next fall. I am finding my resolve. I will persevere. On Monday, I will be ready to say ".......okay, what next?........"