My conversations with Him

   
I have been a little stressed, busy, just going through the motions every day.  And, I have been forgetting to pray.  I usually say a prayer each night as I good to bed.  And during the day I thank God when good things happen for me or my family.  It is easy to be thankful when things are going well.  It is also easy to pray when you need something, when you feel burdened.  But what about all the other days?

I took the long way home yesterday, along Red Cliffs Parkway.  It offers a view of the St George Valley, up on the cliffs on the north end of town.  The scenery is gorgeous.  And, as you drive further along you can see the other side of the mountain- untouched by civilization.  It is these times, when I am alone in my car that I do most of my praying.  I have a little talk with God, or with one of my grandparents (because they are my Angels and also keep an eye over me).  I talk out loud to Him, as if He were one of my friends (granted, I treat him like a VERY respected friend).  There is no ritual, no formality to it.  I sometimes wonder if that is too casual, that maybe my style is offensive to Him.  But, I like to feel like I have a personal relationship with God; that I can talk to him whenever I am thankful or need comfort.

As I drove, I got this urge to stop and enjoy the view for a while.  I parked my car and decided to get out and stand on the cliff edge (no, I didn't think about jumping) and I decided to say a little prayer--to literally count my blessings.  I started my respectful, but casual prayer.  I stood there and looked at the red rocks, the blue sky, felt the breeze.  The most calming feeling came over me. 

Sometimes I think that my informal conversations with God barely count as a prayer, but this experience proved me wrong.  I was literally moved to tears as I felt the things that I have been worrying about lighten in my heart.  Just appreciating all that He has given lifted my burden.  I have the greatest respect for all he has done, all he has given me.  I know that He has the power to create miracles ( I have witnessed many).  I know that He has His hand in my life. 

I have a hard time explaining my religious views to other people.  I believe in God, and in Christ, but I have never been moved to become a member of an organized religion.  I admire those that have religion, that have faith in what they believe and have a group of people that worship and support each other.  I appreciate the role it plays in our communities.  I understand why people choose to worship together.  I respect their right to choose how/what/why they go to church.  But, I also feel that religion is a very personal relationship between you and God.  I feel that organized religion gets in the way of that. 

The other day at work, one of the patients asked me if I was LDS.  I answered no and went on to tell him that I grew up in Utah and I know a lot about the religion, meaning that he could go on and I would understand what he had planned on saying next.  He replied with "you should say you are not LDS.........yet."  Though I did not tell him, I was really offended by that comment.  To suggest that I would eventually convert to his religion no matter what I believe about it. 

I don't want to offend anybody. Many people I love and admire will read this.  I understand that you all may have your own ideas about how to worship God.   My way of worshiping (or "religion") works for me.  Your religion works for you.  Why do either one of us need to change?  How can I say what is right in your life?  How can I say that there is only one right way to worship?  We had a Jewish man come talk to our class last semester as part of a diversity unit.  He talked about his rituals,  his prayers, how his faith is full of tradition and symbolism and rules about how to pray and what to eat.  His faith was beautiful, touching, inspiring.  His religion and his way of worship shaped his life, his decisions, even what he eats and when.  I was moved by the conviction he had, the power of his faith.  How could someone that believes that fully in something be doing the wrong thing?  I am in no position to decide what religion is right.  In my book, if you believe in something bigger than yourself, if you make a conscious choice to do good in the world and act on that choice, that is your religion.  Whether you do it alone or with a group of people is not important.

I feel closest to God in two situations: when I am out in nature and when I am working with patients as a nurse.  The awesomeness of this world reminds me that I am small in comparison; that my problems are nothing but a flash in the grand scheme of things.   The perfection of the human body, the way every cell works as part of something bigger than itself is nothing short of a miracle.  So, I choose to worship by appreciating the beauty of this world and taking care of the humans that inhabit it. 

And, I will still have my little talks with God.

ER

Life is not like it is on TV.  I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  But, still, I had high expectations of working in the Emergency Room.  I watched ER until the bitter end.  Saving lives and unrealistically gorgeous doctors.  Weird diseases and sad, complicated patient cases that I would solve by drawing a few labs and giving a few meds.  Awwww.......I still dream of Luka and Dr Green...........and spunky Nurse Sam. 

I had clinicals in the ER yesterday........and it kicked my butt!  It was interesting, you never knew what was going to come in.  My nurse was good; she was patient, asked me lots of questions about why we were giving this med or why the doctor ordered that test.  The patients were interesting and we ran our butts off doing all the things that needed to be done.  Hanging I.V.s, pushing morphine, transporting patients, inserting catheters.......a nursing student's dream.  Right? 

Well, not so much

You see, it was all about tasks (do this, give this med, document that).  Other than getting the patient's history, there was hardly any time to talk to the patients.  The nurses were good, don't get me wrong.....they literally save lives everyday.  They are heroes.  But, ER nursing is not for me. 

Even though I thought it would be.

I prefer time to visit with my patients, time to research their condition, time to teach them about how they can take care of themselves,  answering their families questions, providing re assurance.  And while I understand that nursing is about the "tasks"  (giving meds, starting I.V.'s, cleaning wounds) all of that comes in a distant second to being a healer--treating the mind, body, and spirit of the patient and their family. 

The ER nurse simply did not have time to do more than the task at hand.  And, I respect her talent, her ability to prioritize and think on her feet.  Her skills were impressive and she cared about doing her best for each patient.  She was amazing at her job.  But, that type of nursing is not for me.

I have found that the high-acuity nursing jobs have been my favorite (doing a lot for a few critically ill patients).  Having 1-2 patients per shift is what I find myself drawn to.  I like having more time to interact with the patient on a personal level, even if it is helping them to the bathroom or giving a bed bath.  I like being able to teach the family, ask the patient about where they are from and how many kids they have. 

I am guilty of spending 3 hours visiting with an elderly man during one of my rotations because when I left him he spent his time calling "NURSE!  NURSE!" down the hall.  I enjoy interviewing my patients for my detailed case studies, getting the whole story about what has brought them to the hospital.  I like to listen to them tell me about their adventures.  They have taught me more than any book ever could.

And, even if that patient is on a ventilator and unconscious, I can still focus on doing so much more for that patient and their family than the ER would ever allow me.  So, I am going to pay my dues and do what I need to do in order to be an ICU or hospice nurse.  

So, all I will have of the ER is the reruns of the show that began my love of nursing.