I'm not perfect

There, I said it. 

Things have been stressful, and I had good intentions. 

I don't know why I haven't been posting.  Writing is usually a good release, a coping mechanism for me. 

But, here is some insight.  I put too much pressure on myself.  It's a hard habit to break.  If I couldn't blog they way I wanted then I wasn't going to do it at all. 

We have had family events and I haven't taken pictures or posted the details. 

Then I had guilt, because I wasn't posting these things......and I had already missed so many opportunities to blog......so I didnt do it at all. 

It doesn't make sense, I know. 

I promise to be easier on myself. 

Even typing that has taken some of the self induced pressure off. 

Here I am

It has been a busy few months for us.  I am working.......all the time it seems.  And, though I love my job, some days are draining (physically, emotionally, mentally) and I need a long time to process the days events and unwind.  but, for every bad day there are a few good ones.  I really have the best co workers.  The group of nurses I'm with have my back.....always.  We can rely on each other and support each other in so many amazing ways.  And, there are my patients.  Some days, I can't believe I get paid to hang out with these amazing, inspiring people.  I am learning so much.  I am becoming not only a better nurse, but a better person because of them.


But, enough about me.  Dave is working full time again at a youth treatment center.  The company has been around for 15 years and is well established.  He likes the work he is doing, and really gets a sense of satisfaction from working with the boys.  I am glad that he is happy.  Our stress level is so much better.  He is working swing shift, so we have learned to appreciate his cooking so much more.  

Theresa graduated from Paul Mitchel Cosmetology School.  I am so proud of her for accomplishing her goals and doing whatever it takes to get it done.  She faced so many challenges this past year and had so many changes.  Her and Zane are planning to move to Portland early this fall.  I (we!) will miss them, but I am happy that they are embarking on a new chapter and adventure in their lives together. 

Heather is working as a housekeeper at a local resort.  She works hard and likes to clean, lol.  Imagine that.  She spends most of her time hanging out with us, or her and Drew have a night out, or they all hang out at Theresa's and me and Dave get a quiet night alone.  She is happy and has a sense of pride in her work.  That's all a momma can ask.  She is also planning on moving to Portland with Theresa and Zane.  I admire her sense of adventure and bravery. 

Drew is working full time at a metal manufacturing plant.  He gets up and leaves for work before 6 am.  Poor guy.  But, he was just advanced to supervisor of the wash bay and is doing well.  He is amazing at saving money.......something I could learn from him.  It is nice to have him take me to breakfast or bring me a treat.  He has a great work ethic. 

I have so many blog ideas, but never seem to get around to posting them.  I will be better, I promise. 

I'm still here, I promise

I will always be here for you........new post coming soon!  I mean it!

$$$$

I am still getting used to having more $ around.  

Finally, all my hard work is literally paying off and I still find myself anxious at the checkout line when we buy groceries.  I still reach for the things on sale and the store brand items. 

I still am shocked that we have money left to put in savings.  

I guess it all just takes some adjusting.  It feels good (???) to be paying off some bills, to have extra spending money. 

I am still a little unsure, like I feel it won't last.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is all of those years of just scraping by--those are hard to let go of.  

I don't want it to seem like I have more money than I know what to do with.  
That IS NOT the case.  

It's just that now we have money to pay all of our bills, not just the ones we are getting "final notices" on.  

And, we have a little left over for a rainy day,  and a date.  I am not used to that......at all.  

But I am enjoying it, for the most part ;0)

Mental Health Day

As much as I love my job, I am getting burned out.  It seems I can't get away from work---even on my "days off".  I always have documenting to do, care to coordinate.  And, there's the cell phone that is always by my side, which means I am always reachable. 

So, I have declared today a "Mental Health" day.  No work, no phone calls (unless it is an emergency).

I slept in, I'm sipping coffee.  I'm ignoring the charts that need to be done and the clutter on the kitchen table.  I'm going to read, paint my toenails, watch some Supernatural.  I'm just going to take some time to "refill" myself.  Because tomorrow, I will pour myslef back into my job. 

We can do no great things, only small things with great love

     This quote is the foundation of my life as a hospice nurse.  The simplest acts......holding a hand, washing a face, administering pain meds....are what bring comfort to the patients I care for.  I am learning that nursing is in all the small details, the everyday things that add up in the last moment of someone's life.  As a new nurse you are eager to go out there and make a difference.  You think that all of the glory and recognition for the work that you do is in those big moments like performing CPR or assisting with surgery.  What I am learning is that the difference you make is wrapped in all of the every day things....having a conversation with a patient, making a phone call to the daughter of your patient because they live far away, teaching a son how to safely transfer their mom from wheelchair to bed everyday, ....just being there to listen. 

     This is the toughest, most amazing, meaningful and heartbreaking job I have ever done.  I have learned that it is okay to cry with your families, that those closest to death have so much to teach us about life.  Patients have taught me to tell your family that you love them, and often, to let the little things go because they don't matter in the end.  They have taught me that simple acts filled with love and caring are the ones that change the world. 

Change......

...........The only constant. 

Drew starts college tomorrow.  He's nervous, but he will do fine. 


Heather is moving to St. George next weekend.  We are excited to have the family all in the same city.